Inkletting

Goals for the year

Ive been busy being depressed. addicted to bad okCupid dates and shitty one night stands, my Tumblr feed, and anything that distracts me. Recently I’ve been drinking too much and exercising too little. It is time to reclaim myself.

Text Exchange with MJ

Mj: I'm tired of the person I've become around you lately. I thought I was happy to be with you, an evening together here and there but I'm realizing that I do not trust you anymore... you''ve caused that and no matter how much I try I can't get past it when you say something I always wonder if its the whole truth. Its made me a 'typical crazy lady'... something I've prided my self on not being. I've always been open and comfortable with catching a guy looking at other woman but you''ve gone beyond the occasional appreciation for them and have taken advantage of my openness. It is far more than just being rude. You always say you enjoy my company but your actions don't demonstrate that... unless of course we're having sex. You question if there are underlying issues on my side but what about you? Clearly this isn't going to work out and only assuming to get worse.
Me: Sleeping with you, forehead to forehead, on Saturday night is as happy as I can be. That is real for both of us and cannot be ignored. I can't be a guy that you keep on the shelf though to take down and play with every week or so. Monogamy is a two way street.
MJ: I have never treated you that way...nor do I think that way. and before you were single we were both each others plaything, the ultimate escape from reality.
MJ: Fuck you for thinking I view you in that way.
Me: You may not view you this way, but I'm still sleeping alone the majority of the time
MJ: I'm constantly conflicted about my relationship with you. Do I, do I not end my relationship with Doug to be with Justin. .. would it work out, would I regret it... would justin ever do that for me..... I do NOT take our times together lightly... if I did, do you think I'd be so upset when you've disappointed me?? I have never enjoyed the situation I'm I with two men... its not glory or an ego booster- -- do you honestly think this is. Win win for me?
  And BTW  99.9% of the time I'm also sleeping alone, even if I share 1/2 a bed with someone. .. I'm always thinking of YOU... so do not tell me about being lonely.
Me: I'm not presuming to tell you how you should feel or how you do feel. I'm just saying that I'm still a side dish. I can accept that, but I also reserve the right to have a tapas dinner over here for myself if I can't have a single plate.
MJ: Well I'm still you side dish too Justin.... you''ve always played this whole thing off like you want' tapas' and not a single plate... so don't put a guilt trip on me now?
MJ: What do you want Justin? Honestly?
Me: I am not trying to put a guilt trip on you, seriously. I am just trying to convey what I am feeling over here
MJ: So would you be happier if I too was single?
Me: I don't know what I want. I've said it before, I don't think a normal relationship is possible between the two of us, for a variety of reasons.
  Maybe our feelings for one another have outgrown the constraints that we have imposed on our situation

Resolutions

For the past several years, my somewhat ironic new year’s resolution was always the same: to drink more and work less. To my surprise, I actually managed to accomplish this in 2012. Like most things I think that I have overachieved at this goal and strapped on a few pounds of fat as a result.

More seriously, though, this reflects a sea change in my priorities. My career at a multinational has never been in line with what I considered important, but they just kept on stuffing money in my pockets, so I just did it with a certain sprit of irony. However, I am beginning to realize that my life may be half over and I am not doing things that really matter.

To that end, I aim to change this.

SIMPLIFY!

Overall goals are to continue to cut the fat from my life, both metaphorically and literally. Two years ago I had a 3000 Sq foot house and a bunch of crap to fill it. Now I live in a apartment in the city with enough stuff to fill a cargo van. I don’t need stuff and I view with a critical eye every purchase that I make.

I need to extend this frugality to other aspects of my life. I spend altogether too much time chasing girls, drinking, and eating when I need to realign my focus on what I want to be. Sex can be an occasional thing with MJ for now.

I need to filter the major stuff through 5 whys before doing it. If it doesn’t support what it is that I would like to do it needs to be deferred or cut out. For instance:

Write More

The meandering and ponderous prose here points to the need for more practice. Clear writing supports clear thinking.

Divorce3

Finalize this damn thing, for everyone’s sake. Top financial priority for this year. All money needs to go toward this end.

Physical Health

Depression has had a grip on me for the past two and a half years and I have gained at least 40 lbs. I need to lose it. I feel better, I think better, I am better when I am in better shape.

Food

Over the past 6 months I have been focusing on making my own food again. Not only do I find that I enjoy doing it, It is flat out better from a financial and health perspective.

Areas of focus this year will be:

Learn how to make Indian food
Learn how to bake
Mixology

Why? Well because I enjoy it. Not everything has to have a deep, existential meaning.

Progress

After spending December doing jack all after 2 years of non stop working I have gotten used to my new job. This, though, has really caused me to drift from what is important to me. I need to monitor progress on all of the above, otherwise I will continue to just be a monkey jacking off to his own thoughts until the day that I die.